Send Nudes

 I spoke with alex on the phone

Rolled onto my stomach with my

Feet erect

They were bouncing involuntarily

rhythmically  a spring bed

We hadn’t chatted like that for a while

But it’s relieving to slip into a warm drawn

Near ten year friendship bath

After dubbord’s Lonely crowds really stuck

The phrase stuck To proof in New York City

faces hustling  each on their own path  their own map

I start washing with his cocoa butter voice

move to a commune with me

In California  we’ll live in the woods

“I don’t think I could” something about avoiding hippies and not the people for me joking the honesty so as not to offend

What’re you saying, woman?!

That woman  It stuck it stuck to me

that woman

That derogatory woman

We continued to laugh and I act

Like it rolled off my back because it had a thousand times before

I head to bed really off

confused

I don’t know what was wrong or what

Put me in a mood 

well i know the familiar

feeling of being a derogatory thing

but I haven’t been derogatory in a while

I said nothing

 disappointed in myself

Send nudes

NUDES

SEND NUDES

lemme see those titties

Another man from home had finished

a sentence with woman! Earlier that week

after a week of silence

I explained to alex how i felt his disrespect for women all over right then

When he used that derogatory word so casually

And then got mad when I said

he couldn’t stay with me

I twisted the mood positively at the end

Habitually, to not to offend “I’m so lucky I don’t feel like that anymore and now I can sense the nuance in tone, dissonant degree of regional belief”

I was hesitantly materializing my own fragility so I didn’t feel weak 

So he could understand my discomfort 

I didn’t want to change him

I didn’t think I had a right

Nor was I mad, he asked

I had faith like I do in all my friends

That he’d reply with empathy

Without accounting for the other side of this coin

It’s there 100% of the time and faith is always naive

Predictably, a mans fragility shattered my delusion

and I threw my hands up once again.

I tried to reason calmly with a threatened animal

but he backed himself into a corner

Like a woman’s discomfort is a trap

It’s my pain and he called all hands on deck

Its my pain and I’m being patient with him

Its my pain and

my patience met full defense

I gave him my grievances

he lit them up and threw them back

Block contact

I don’t need toxicity and there’s a shortcut for that

Then he came to the city

and I came to his dinner from the rain

I sat and raved about the film I’d just seen at a queer poc festival

Blaire and Olivia, amazing

Then I let him stay in my bed.

He eventually left but I’m left with the feeling of his Dick on my back

His cocoa butter voice placating me

Into a play dead sort of sleep  uncomfortable as fuck

While he rubs it on me

I endured what no woman deserves

But will endure to not stir the beast.

6.20.7:30am